Saturday, November 3, 2012

If I Were to Have a Dating Profile...

It would definitely be full of things sane people would say. To give you a quick "what not to do" lesson on dating profiles, I've taken this totally random profile that I just happened to find and have copied some of the....more #trainwreck worthy parts here. Let's see if we can figure out where this totally random author went wrong.

Favorite Music: Currently in a "I hate the Top 40 stations so I'm only listening to the country station" phase, but I've also been known to listen to those Top 40 stations (anything there from roughly '98 to '05 I've got down.) Could be worse, you could have listed Bieber...or current Brittany Spears songs (and no, those are not the only things I know about today's pop music.)

Favorite Music continued: I'm also currently in a "Find people on the internet --> become mildly obsessed with their covers/original music" Search Youtube for Justin Robinett, Alex Goot, and Chad Sugg...they are fantastic.  Okay, no one (except for you and your awesome friends) knows who these people are.  And let's face it, all of these people looking at your profile are way too into bands you've never heard of.

Favorite TV Shows: And I'm also in love with British Panel quiz shows...don't laugh, just YouTube The Big Fat Quiz of the Year '06-'11 or the 80's 90's or 00's.  Or, if music's your thing try Never Mind the Buzzcocks from season 23ish on, and if you really just like watching funny people be funny (With British accents of course) try Would I Lie to You...Last one I promise (for now), if you're super smart or just like having all of your favorite hosts/guests from the BFQ or Buzzcocks or WILTY in one place AND happen to love Stephen Fry go watch QI its his game show where he throws out interesting facts about things that we've most likely forgotten about and actually have to use our brains to remember...I know, crazy.  Woah, slow down crazy. These shows are all better watched with groups anyways, better to wait until you meet that lucky someone in person to introduce them to your friends favorite celebrities, such as: Jimmy Carr, Rob Brydon, Jason Manford and Phil Jupitus
...oops, now I’m doing it.

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without: This is a stupid question but: Friends, family, (although at this point, those are really the same thing) books, diet coke (or coffee), good food, Theater, and vodka with seltzer...or a screwdriver...or half long island iced tea and half lemonade...or 312 ....alright fine I cheated, I had more than six things and almost half are alcoholic drinks. Don't judge, can YOU really live without your favorite drink? Alright, not bad...but maybe next time focus more on things like laughter or love and less on alcohol. Although really, it's near impossible to pick just six favorite things. (Also,she's right, it is a stupid question.)

You Should Message Me If: I'm obnoxious and long-winded, I know, but how about message me if you have something actual to say and not just hi? Is that too much to ask? Probably. Well, at least you know you're obnoxious and long-winded. Hopefully you also know that by now, everyone has long since stopped reading your profile because we live in a generation of "tl;dr."

I feel like if this hopeful dater were to write a defense she'd say (and really, I'm just guessing here) that the reason her profile is set-up like this is because this is a true representation of who she is as  a person. That those are all things she really loves and is passionate about; and that yes, there is a very high probability someone can name a popular band or song and she'll say "No I'm sure I've never heard this it on the country station?" That isn't it better that we get all of our "crazy" out at once instead of locking our true-selves away until the 3rd/5th/25th date in accordance with some silly rules that people apparently follow?  Yeah, she'd definitely say something like that.

Anyways my dear #trainwrecks, have we learned anything from this sad, sad attempt at a dating profile? Well, if it's only one thing, I think I've learned that this person will be single forever.